Honesty

What does it mean to be honest? Not the 'telling of the truth' honest, but the very opening of one's own heart and feelings exposed to the world around them. What happens to a young, scared girl when she stands there, heart vulnerable to the gapping onlookers. I see judgement being thrown at her from all sides. Looks of disgust pointed straight at her. I see whispers being passed from one gawker to the next. How can she stand there and take it? If I were her, I would close up, shrinking into myself, using my poker face to save face. But there she is, letting those who hate her, those who love her, those who know her, and those who are strangers, look at the core of who she is. They see shame, hurt, frustration, questions, uncertainty, stupidity, and most of all, fear.

I was born into a Christian home. I was raised by parents who loved God and served Him faithfully. I became a Christian at the young age of five. I can still remember the moment. The moment when I knew Jesus forgave me and that He would never leave me, no matter what. From then on, I did my best to do what was right. In my logical thinking, I assessed that if I did not do wrong, I would not have to face the consequences of the wrong doing. This made for a simple, under the radar, life. This also made for a certain reputation and an unhealthy habit. I would always put my best foot forward, but then hide the weak side behind indifference and pride. I was scared and still am, to let people see the real me. No, my life is not a sob story. On the contrary, it is a story of God's love and presence in my life. I'm not here to say I've overcome this great burden or that I've been brought through a horrific storm. I'm here to tell you that no matter what my life looks like on the outside, no matter how happy I look, or how blessed my life is; I still feel. I feel shame for the mistakes I've made. I feel hurt from relationships gone bad. I feel frustration at my inability to be someone I'm not. I question God and his purpose for me. I feel uncertainty for my future. I feel stupid because I'm not a fast learner. I feel fear. I fear the judgment of honesty.

I'm writing this blog for two reasons. One, I need to practice my writing. Two, I hope to start being honest-with myself and others. Normally, I would not dare to post this for the world to see. However, since no one reads my blog (that I know of), I figure, why not? I can practice, all the while, holding nothing back. If someone does read this, let me know your thoughts on being completely honest. Also, writing tips would be greatly appreciated!